Settling vs. Belonging: The Journey of Truly Adapting to Your International Life
“Mom, where’s my blue jacket?” asked nine-year-old Ben for the third time that week. His mother, Marie, sighed as she shuffled through a few stray boxes in the living room that hadn’t yet found a home, still untouched months after their move from Germany to France. It was late autumn, and with the jacket still missing, Marie started to feel like her entire transition was wrapped up in that small handful of unopened boxes. It wasn’t only that they hadn’t finished unpacking but that their life still felt in limbo.
The boxes weren’t the only unsettled part of their lives, either. Marie and her husband, Thomas, often found themselves talking about how much they missed their family back in Germany, and their children sometimes echoed that sentiment when they would wistfully mention their old friends. As Thomas drove Ben to school, he wondered, “When will this start to feel like home?”
When we make an international move, there’s a clear line between getting settled physically and feeling settled emotionally and relationally. As Marie and Thomas are finding out, the process of unpacking their belongings is only part of the journey. While physical settling – getting your home in order, completing the logistical tasks, finding your way around the new city – can be laborious, there’s an end in sight. The boxes get unpacked (or stored); the house eventually feels organized; the necessary admin is completed.
But just because we’re “settled” doesn’t mean we feel connected. That deeper emotional and relational settling, the part that makes us feel a sense of belonging and community, takes longer, sometimes much longer. And just as Marie and Thomas are discovering, this process can feel frustrating and isolating, but it is completely natural.
Physical Settling: Checking Off the Basics
Once you’re in your new home, there’s a whirlwind of activity. In the first few weeks, there’s an endless list of tasks to complete: boxes to unpack, utility bills to set up, school registrations, bank accounts, phone plans – the list goes on. In some ways, the satisfaction of ticking off each task gives a sense of accomplishment. The home starts to look less like a storage unit and more like a place you can live.
This stage is where many people think, “Once the house is done, it’ll all be fine.” And yes, the external relief that comes from creating order in a new space is essential. Having physical comfort in your home is grounding – it’s the first step toward creating familiarity. Yet, it’s only the foundation.
Once the boxes are empty, however, a new feeling often starts to creep in. You might feel a sense of emptiness, a restlessness, a nagging sensation that, even though the physical space feels organized, something is still missing. As many families discover, the experience of truly “arriving” involves more than a well-settled home.
Emotional and Relational Settling: Finding True Belonging
The next stage, and often the harder one, is settling in emotionally and relationally. The difference between these two stages can be understood as the difference between “settling in” and “settling down.” You may have arrived, but you haven’t yet created a life – and this can feel daunting.
Once Marie and Thomas set up their house, they found themselves without clear next steps. They knew how to unpack a box, but forming relationships, finding friends, and learning to call this new country home was a journey they had only just begun. Even if their initial months felt packed with busyness, their emotional and relational reality felt unexpectedly somewhat unstable and empty.
It’s normal at this stage to start feeling doubts, to miss family traditions, and even to wonder if you made the right choice. There’s a tension between feeling grateful that the “moving storm” has ended and realizing the work of rebuilding has only just begun. And sometimes, the way forward isn’t obvious.
Bridging the Gap
So, what can you do to move from simply “settled” to feeling truly at home? The key lies in patience, intention, and openness. Here are some ways to help bridge the gap:
Don’t Run from Discomfort – Lean Into It
It’s tempting to retreat into the comfort of your home or routines when feeling unsettled. After all, the familiar is comforting. But if you give in too much to the urge to isolate, you risk missing out on experiences that could help you feel like part of the local community. Discomfort is part of growth – it’s a sign that you’re stepping into the unknown and allowing it to shape you.
Like Marie and Thomas, international families around the world find themselves feeling like they’re stuck between two worlds, neither fully here nor there. But with each interaction, each small piece of connection, you’re laying the groundwork for your family’s belonging in this new place.
The Reward of Belonging
Eventually, the boxes will be forgotten, the streets will become familiar, and the new traditions will start to weave into the fabric of your family’s life. The things you miss from home will stay close to your heart, but they won’t define your experience in this new place.
Marie and Thomas may still feel the weight of those last unpacked boxes, but as they keep reaching out, their life in France will grow and blossom. There will come a day when they’ll find themselves fully settled, not just in their home but in their hearts. And when they look back on the journey, they’ll see not just the difficulty of the transition but the depth of belonging they’ve built along the way.
Moving abroad is as much an internal journey as it is a physical one. While your house may be settled quickly, your sense of belonging takes time and patience. For all those who are feeling caught between the old and the new, remember: lean in, give it time, and trust the process. The reward will be worth it.
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